I shut the curtains now before 5 pm; any pretense of hanging onto some delusional fragments of summer ended more than a month ago! I held on for as long as I could, pretended that the warm lazy limbo was limitless, although such a freewheeling season is largely an idea, not reflective of real life. Even summer has its stresses and obligations.
I did not realize I was actively dreading Fall until it was upon me and I remembered, Oh! I’ve spent significant time in hospitals the last two Novembers. No wonder I’ve felt a vague sense of foreboding as the leaves changed colors, as the rain settled in, as the temperature dropped.
Today is the sixth of November, one year exactly from the date of Uly’s leg amputations. One whole year since I consented to having part of his body cut off and discarded. It was the right decision. It was not an easy decision. A year ago, he was in such pain, he had complications from surgery that made recovery slow and difficult. He had to go back into the operating room several times; his skin was dotted all over with evidence of so many IV pokes.
But now? Now that little elf zips around like a speedster with the aid of his prostheses and a tiny walker. (not all the time yet, or even most of the time. but we aim for “leg time” every day.) Our daily life is a cakewalk in contrast to a year ago. I have nothing acutely worrisome on my radar, and yet I still feel jumpy! I guess 2 nerve-racking Novembers in a row is enough to set a subconscious pattern of troubling expectation.
I took an intentional, lengthy break from this blog. I’ve taken a break from writing much at all, because my brain used all of its energy in keeping the regular stuff going and that has been good enough. It had to be good enough because that’s all I had. But now I have a little bit more again, or at least the gumption to keep at it. No duties have been allocated elsewhere, and no long-term concerns have disappeared, but I had some time to figure out if this blog is helpful (yes.) and if it matters at all (I decided that it does.) and whether or not I want to continue writing here (I do. even as I need to make writing elsewhere a priority). And I don’t mean to imply that it’s been all woe and worry in my life lately. It has not! I think I do a pretty good job of keeping on top of things, enjoying the good stuff and weathering the rough. And by “rough” patches, I mean the regular daily wheels, nothing unexpected gumming up the works. But it’s amazing how the regular stuff can ooze all over every minute of the day and not leave much space for anything extra.
Since the last time I updated: we took a few quick, nearby trips, the husband and I acknowledged SEVENTEEN years being married to each other, we went on a terrific road trip to southern California and back, I had a birthday, and Uly was fitted for his second set of legs.
And now we’re leaning into a steady Fall routine. And now I’m feeling grateful that we don’t have any hospital stays planned, and that I have this grinning sunbeam in my life:
(the top pic was a phone shot from last January; if the kitchen chalk wall isn’t full of a grocery list or a chores for the kids, I try to throw a thoughtful quote up there. this one is a favorite. and the bottom pic is a recent one I pulled off of instagram. hashtag super uly!)