heart surgery eve

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Every parent has a lot they could worry about. Our children, all of us, are surrounded by potential beasts. But we trust odds and try not to think about worst case scenarios: the car crashes, the accidents, the unexpected illnesses. Because life would be miserable if we lived in fear. Because, probably, everything will be fine. And, still, that worry can consume us. We can linger on the What Ifs and feel the air in our lungs turn sharp and thin. Or we can make informed decisions based on the scope of likelihood; we can’t focus on the outlying few possible tragic catastrophes. But when your baby -your BABY!- is anticipating another open heart surgery, the worry is bigger than that. It’s no longer a case of improbable maybes. Such a serious surgery isn’t a distant made-up beast. Early tomorrow morning, I have to lower my baby into the belly of a terrifying beast. I have to give my permission for something violent and frightening to happen to him. I have to willingly hand him over, and pray that I get him back.

I cannot make my words pretty enough to help you feel comfortable with the heft of my dread. I am so worried.

Do you know what a delightful baby Ulysses is? Curious and amused, quick to grin, he is a tiny charming elf of a baby and I would do unspeakable things to save him from enduring this next week.

I wish your collective good thoughts could be cashed in for rest, because I know that will be in short supply for a while (has been already). But do know that if you’re reading this, and if you’re thinking something kind about that sweet smiling blondie of mine, I do appreciate you being here in this quiet space with me.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 23 Comments

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23 thoughts on “heart surgery eve

  1. Deb

    I so wish I could be there to hug you or make your other kids smile for a few minutes. I love you! I will be thinking about you all day tomorrow.

    • you were supposed to road trip to Oregon! one of these days! I wish, when life evens out a bit (will it?), I could do a great driving trip and go all the way to TX!

  2. Sarah SD

    You are being sent all my love. My prayers are for your smiling precious blondie…I want to say more but I don’t have the words. I want to place a shroud of peace upon your shoulders and I can’t but I’m asking for it. One that is woven so tight and has enough room for all five of you. x

    • thank you, sarah. it always means a lot to me when people take the time to comment, but you always write especially kind words.

  3. Petra Prostrednik

    Absolutely! Sending visions of a safe white light wrapping around him and protecting him every step of the way and that his amazing grin will continue to make those around him smile for another 100 + years! xoxo

  4. here in this house uly is known as super baby, and my kids and i are always so psyched to see new pictures of him when you post them. we all send our collective healing thoughts to him and to you this week. wish we could cook for you guys and do something more than just write notes from 3000 miles away. i hope you can get a little rest. you are courageous (and an incredible mama.)

    • oh, jen, thank you. I have the most belated public thank you ever to write about your beautiful poster. I have been so terrible about putting things off and forgetting about them. I do like knowing that your kids know about Ulysses and cheer him on!

  5. Margaret

    Oh April, your little adorable tow-head will have so many prayers and kind thoughts sent his way, it is my hope that he will heal quickly and without issue. He and all of you, are brave, courageous souls. I know from the blog that you don’t feel that way sometimes but you are, rock stars all! I have never met you(I am a friend of Amey Maffuci) but I feel like I know you (a tiny bit) and that adorable towheaded wonder boy of yours! Thank you for being willing to share this journey with all of us. I will hold you all in my heart today.

  6. I have so many healing wishes for sweet Uly. He’s in my thoughts and so are you.

  7. Lisa

    Our prayers are with you today. The little girls and I said a special prayer last night before bed. Please, let me know if you need anything at all, even if it’s super short notice.

  8. we are there with you in spirit. your words, as always, are beautiful and heartbreakingly poignant.

  9. Alicia

    I never comment, but know that a reader in Ontario, Canada (I have no idea how I found your blog now, but that little blondie has captured my heart, that’s for sure)is praying for your little one. Praying for swift and competent surgeon hands, quick healing, for understanding for everyone, and for an innate knowledge of how to comfort that little cutie-pie!

  10. Thinking of you and Uly… a lot! I hope all goes well and that he’s back to his normal self before you know it. I’m sure this is as scary as anything can be – I can’t imagine – but I’m hoping that it’s all a memory for you before too long!

  11. Sending love, and love, and love. I’m so sorry your family and sweet Ulysses have to endure this.

  12. Christine

    Sending all my positive vibes and thoughts your way.

  13. Still thinking my good thoughts and praying for your little blondie.

  14. Just getting to my reader now. I’m thinking of you all!

  15. Jenny

    Shedding tears as I read. What a sweet thank you you’ve offered, when I am the one who is grateful to peek into the window of your life. Good luck, good vibes, good thoughts, sweet rest — hoping you have them all.

  16. Shannon

    I am here, thousands of miles away, in this quiet space for you. Godspeed.

  17. Aly

    Little uly is in my prayers and thoughts as well. Love from Utah.

  18. I’m late, but I’m thinking so many good thoughts right at you all.

  19. Nina

    Sending healing thoughts from Vancouver, Canada. I’ll light a candle tonight.

  20. Thanks for every other great article. Where else
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