I’ve been hammering away at the shape of this same life -married, mama, kids, home- for so many years, I should know what I’m doing. But the longer I’m at it, the less competent I feel. I’m glad I started out so strong, I’m glad I jumped in without hesitating, with such enthusiasm. Maybe that’s why we’re still going. We needed the force from those early years to nudge along when we wouldn’t have made it otherwise.
Today the baby was throwing up sick. I know there is no such thing as Fairness because that baby should never get sick ever. But that’s not how it works. I know that. I can indulge in some petulant foot stomping, though, occasionally. It distracts me from the panic. I was always such an easygoing parent. I have relied on the power of sturdy immune systems and good books to fix what ever has troubled us. And then Ulysses was born. I couldn’t fix his broken heart, I couldn’t fix his misformed body. I have had to stuff him in the car when he should be sleeping because we need to be at an early appointment an hour away. I have had to hand him off crying to other people to have things he did not like done to him. I have had to realize that my prior confidence was rooted in ease.
Babies get sick. It happens. In this case, I think it was a case of The Baby having ingested something that was not food. And that something did not agree with him (thank goodness). And so it came back up. And it brought other stuff with it. For hours. But, see, when something like that happens (and I should just mention that, actually, something like that has never happened to me before, my other children did not speed crawl about the house like human roombas, gleefully shoving all tiny bits into their wee little maws) it freaks me out now. I worry that it’s A New Thing We Don’t Know About. I try not to worry. But I do. This worry did not exist with my older two. I think Ulysses is as quick and busy and determined as he needs to be. I believe those traits will serve him well. If you knew how carefully we watch him, you wouldn’t think it was possible for him to still find and eat anything. But he is faster than you think. He is so fast. And I am so tired.
Fingers crossed and prayers said that we don’t see any more signs of sickness. I’d like to add in a plug for a full, restful night’s sleep, too, while we’re at it.
(my girl groaned a little when I first asked her about sharing these little drawings. “you try coming up with 24 cute winter pictures!” she said. “i had to draw some really simple ones, like snowmen!”.)