It’s not you, it’s me. Maybe it’s a little you. I blame my lack of updates lately on the post-dinner, little brothers both in bed, trip my daughter and I take to Stars Hollow every evening. We’re only on season 2 of Gilmore Girls, though, and if I don’t figure out how to sneak in blogging time elsewhere, it’ll be at least a few more months before I can pass the evening-show-together baton back to the husband (we don’t watch a lot over here, and even at thirteen, my girl watches with somebody. that’s just how we do it). So here I am, avoiding the dinner dishes, ignoring the evening family hang-out time to write. But it’s more than that. It’s also that I don’t know how to say all the things I’m full of thinking without being misunderstood.
I haven’t shared pictures of the baby’s first camping trip, I haven’t detailed our summer garden, I haven’t told you what music I’m listening to lately, or projects I’m working on, or anything. I just feel stuck over here and blank because beneath all of those things is this: my baby is having his legs amputated soon and I can’t think of anything else.
I avoid people a lot. I wonder if I’ll avoid people less after Uly’s surgery. But right now, how do I participate in regular mom conversations? How do I casually share what’s going on in my life when what’s going on in my life is not casual? Amputations are kind of a conversation killer, you know?
There are people who care about us and know Ulysses and have been a part of his life since he was born. I am very very grateful for that. There are other people who distanced themselves further. And that stings more than it should. I wish I were made of sturdier, bristlier stuff and did not notice that they don’t care, don’t want to know him. I wish I were strong enough not to need other people. We have a pretty tight little family unit here, but it’s not enough. I can’t shut myself off completely, even though that’s easiest. I am so appreciative of the few who have persevered to be a part of our lives, who continue to make a generous effort.
I have held so much this last year, I can’t hold it all.
But I don’t want you to forget about us and I do want to nurture any possible support and encouragement before the big upcoming surgery and I will try very hard to blog more frequently. Not just about Ulysses. He is the undercurrent of everything, but we are also just as boring/interesting as you are.