conversation killer

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It’s not you, it’s me. Maybe it’s a little you. I blame my lack of updates lately on the post-dinner, little brothers both in bed, trip my daughter and I take to Stars Hollow every evening. We’re only on season 2 of Gilmore Girls, though, and if I don’t figure out how to sneak in blogging time elsewhere, it’ll be at least a few more months before I can pass the evening-show-together baton back to the husband (we don’t watch a lot over here, and even at thirteen, my girl watches with somebody. that’s just how we do it). So here I am, avoiding the dinner dishes, ignoring the evening family hang-out time to write. But it’s more than that. It’s also that I don’t know how to say all the things I’m full of thinking without being misunderstood.

I haven’t shared pictures of the baby’s first camping trip, I haven’t detailed our summer garden, I haven’t told you what music I’m listening to lately, or projects I’m working on, or anything. I just feel stuck over here and blank because beneath all of those things is this: my baby is having his legs amputated soon and I can’t think of anything else.

I avoid people a lot. I wonder if I’ll avoid people less after Uly’s surgery. But right now, how do I participate in regular mom conversations? How do I casually share what’s going on in my life when what’s going on in my life is not casual? Amputations are kind of a conversation killer, you know?

There are people who care about us and know Ulysses and have been a part of his life since he was born. I am very very grateful for that. There are other people who distanced themselves further. And that stings more than it should. I wish I were made of sturdier, bristlier stuff and did not notice that they don’t care, don’t want to know him. I wish I were strong enough not to need other people. We have a pretty tight little family unit here, but it’s not enough. I can’t shut myself off completely, even though that’s easiest. I am so appreciative of the few who have persevered to be a part of our lives, who continue to make a generous effort.

I have held so much this last year, I can’t hold it all.

But I don’t want you to forget about us and I do want to nurture any possible support and encouragement before the big upcoming surgery and I will try very hard to blog more frequently. Not just about Ulysses. He is the undercurrent of everything, but we are also just as boring/interesting as you are.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 14 Comments

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14 thoughts on “conversation killer

  1. I don’t think there’s any way that most could forget about your family! We are here if you need anything and do miss seeing you regularly. If you’d like meals before, during and after surgery again, just say the word. I’ll organize it. I’ll follow up with a private message as it gets closer. Know that you are in many people’s thoughts even if we don’t say it out loud or in type so much any more.

    • thanks, Lisa. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. certainly we are so fortunate to know some really good people! no worries, I am pretty sure no one I’m vaguely referring to reads my little blog. I am just barely holding on over here and articulating it all is difficult.

  2. you boring/interesting fantastic people are on my mind so much i dream about the whole lot of you!

    where is the best place to keep in touch, support from a distance?
    snail mail?
    twitter?
    facebook?
    email?

    you are each loved and i want to help you carry all that i might be able to from afar.
    xoxoxoxo

    • i do spread myself thinly over all the places! any one will do. thank you for being a stalwart commenter. It’s so good and helpful to know who is out there, thinking about us. . .

  3. Yeah, “They keep dying.” when asked about giving G a sibling is awkward as well.
    I’m hear to listen always, tomorrow, next month, whenever.

  4. Ditto what Lisa said. You know our little local group will do anything we can. Many hugs April for all of you.

  5. Petra Prostrednik

    We think about your lovely family and sweet boy often! The kids ask about your family at the dinner table wondering when we can connect. ๐Ÿ™‚ Please remember us when you come out for your Portland visits/ appts, etc. We’d love to be a stopping place for dinner, conversation, or whatever you need. Can help watch kiddos, the teenager can have some girl time w/ my oldest. Please let us know how we can help. Love you guys!

  6. Jenny

    I am a complete stranger to you, but I faithfully check your blog every few days and I often think about you and your sweet boy. Feeling alone is one of the worst things in the world and, often, is so hard to overcome. Please know that there are people like me, who may not know you personally, who are praying for you and thinking of you. You will make it through. Uli will make it through. Life will get getter. : )

  7. Alex

    April,
    I think this is my first time leaving a comment. I want you to know that I think about Uly and your Family a lot. I always check in to see if there is new post.
    I can totally see why you would try to stay away from people. Also want to say that if all you want to write about is Uly then so be it! No need to defend.
    I hope the day/weeks/months before the surgery will be, as easy as they can, on your heart and soul.
    Best wishes!

    • thank you. I do worry about putting *too much* information out there, just because I don’t want to make Ulysses uncomfortable when he’s older (darn google!), but I do plan to write more about my feelings and general details re: the upcoming surgery soon.

  8. KristenM

    Another first-time commenter here. Also a stranger to you, but I dutifully check your blog for updates and Instagram stalk you (I kid. Not an actual stalker. FYI: yorkvillenewfie). I know a thing or two about conversation killing (cancer in a young mother has a way of doing that) and about feeling alone and isolated, even when surrounded by an ocean of people. The self-imposed exile, the avoidance. All of experience is separate, but some experiences are more separate than others.

    I’ll say to you something that people say to try to comfort me, but only does so much: you, your family and especially the amazing and beautiful Uly are firmly in my thoughts. People care, very much. Even complete strangers on the opposite end of the country.

    • I’m so glad you took the time to comment; it means a lot to me. I’m always slow to respond to folks, but I appreciate every person who reaches out with kindness very very much. My thoughts and prayers to you, as well. Take care.

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