What if I told you that I was wrong about Springtime? What if I changed my mind, and wished we could go back to winter? What if the sunshine feels like chewing hair and I want to spit it out and draw the curtains? What if I’m not strong enough? Today my son cried because his big sister came back from the library without any books for him. Do you see what is wrong with that sentence? The sister went to the library alone, which is no big deal. We live nearby and she can walk herself all over our little town for the things she needs. But whereas we used to pop into the library, all of us, at least once week (at the very least!) we don’t go at all anymore, and my boy was feeling the absence of that. We went once all together when the baby was a tiny sleeping thing. He has been a handful of times in the last five months with his dad. I think about it and change my mind.
Maybe it’s not that I’m not strong enough. Maybe I’m too strong. Maybe I’m afraid something will happen, some look or word or awkward silence, that will provoke me into piling all my strength into a big public heap. And would I be able to sweep it back up again, and cram it all back inside of me?
She put small bouquets of front yard flowers all over our house. Beside me right now is the tiniest jar of white cherry blossoms. Our flowering cherry is in bloom. The daffodils are fading but I noticed trillium today. The lilacs aren’t far off. I remember when I thought this parenting thing would just get easier and easier and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Sometimes the worry and the wishes and the prayers and the love consume me. I want everything to freeze so I can remain in one sweet moment, where everyone is safe. I am so glad she snips flowers for me still.
I am listening to Alabama Shakes over and over and nothing else sounds quite right. I have barely listened to other music for the last week. It’s big and soulful and balances my big feelings. Do you say that to your small children, like I do? You’re having big feelings! But one of my children isn’t so small anymore, and it just sounds silly when I say it to her. Probably sounds sillier when I say it about myself. But it’s true.
We’re forecast to have a beautiful weather weekend. I hope I can take it.