struggling

That dream where you show up to school naked? That guilty unpreparedness of being shamefully caught off guard? Not terribly unlike being catapult into making heavy medical decisions for a new baby, not even three months old. Wait, how did I get here? I need to choose what?

I can’t shake this sorry feeling. Even as we technically have the baby’s surgery scheduled at one hospital, I panicked that we never explored the other option. Why had we never done that? Going along with the default isn’t making an informed choice. And I tell myself this a thousand times, and still I worry about causing trouble, about being that problem family. For what? For just making sure his heart surgery happens at the hospital at which we feel most comfortable? That’s not trouble, that’s smart. That’s poking a straight pin into my vein and squeezing my blood into a little vial, inky drop by drop, if that’s what I had to do, because that’s what you do. That’s what anyone in this position would do. If we choose to switch cardiology teams, even this late in the game (tick tick tick tick tick, he needs his surgery very soon), the original practice won’t take our departure personally. Will they? And if they do? That’s not my problem. I can’t let it be my problem.

So, that’s where I’m at. Chasing doubt like it’s my job and collecting a sloppy pile of unspoken apologies.

If you have fifteen minutes and would like to be someplace else, someplace glad and wistful, I have just the thing for you.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “struggling

  1. Well I know you are not actually asking here but I am going to chime in and say – who cares what the original office thinks? This is your baby man. YOURS. You get to decide. Those top dollar surgeons don’t waste time being petty. They don’t even know – it is the office staff.

    Hugs to you all. Such hard decisions.

    • thanks, jana. i have so much brain reprogramming to do! and it is mostly the office staff, but i also really like the cardiologist we’ve been seeing. genuinely nice guy. i worry (kind of ridiculously) that he’ll be offended if we jump ship.

  2. I don’t think there’s a ‘right way’ to do something like this and even they (the staff, the surgeons) know that. This whole world is all still so new for you guys, but even if it weren’t…it’s OK to have doubts, second-thoughts and even MORE OK to act on them…and even MORE OK to feel oddly clumsy about the whole thing because it is…it’s odd. And out-of-the-ordinary and uncomfortable. How do you make yourself feel comfortable about your baby being anesthetized and then operated on? You don’t. So you do your best at this awkward dance of trusting the surgeon, being a protective mommy, getting second opinions, not getting second opinions, being strong, being weak, holding on and letting go. In my estimation, you’re right on course.

    Hugs.

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