the first day


There’s something vaguely dystopian about this new year, for me. I’m stepping out from the rubble of the previous year (particularly the last two months), my intentions blown to bits by circumstance, and figuring out What Now? This year my baby will have open heart surgery. This year my baby is scheduled to have his legs amputated at the knees. If you don’t think those are big scary things, then I guess I’m too wimpy to want to know what  your big and scary things look like.

I don’t expect the dust to settle. I predict a steady undercurrent of stress and worry. But I know we’ll have plenty of goodness and grace, too, enough to keep us going.

And if something of apocalyptic proportions occurs, and damn I hope it doesn’t, we’re in fight or flight mode already. We fight.  Whatever happens, this year or any other, I’m at an advantage already just for having that girl in the picture on my team, for being inspired by her fierceness. For the record, the number one wished for request on her Christmas list was a kitten. (may the record state: no such wish was granted. we need another animal around here like we need another animal around here.) But just as earnestly desired: a functional gas mask. This girl is prepared for anything. She was equally as thrilled with an enormous length of paracord and squealed (she is still twelve, after all) when she figured out she could replace the laces in her beloved 14-hole Doc Martens with some. She carries a backpack or a messenger bag full of usefulness everywhere she goes.  She has a knife with a four inch blade and she knows how to use it. She can start a fire and tie a knot. She can tell stories and bake cookies and draw emotions.  I could go on and on, but the gist is this: she’s one capable kid and fortunate are the folks who really know her. She makes even her mother feel like we are going to kick ass at whatever comes our way.

I’m prepared for the fight, just by knowing it approaches.

It’s not always Decemberists all the time around here (although close), but this is my pick for today, for two thousand twelve.  I can feel my baby’s breath against my middle as I type. The other three walked up to the pizza place for a late lunch and a second run movie. When you are lucky enough to have people you love in your life every day, there’s no question why we fight.

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One thought on “the first day

  1. mmmmm. beautiful april. fight fight fight. there is no question why we fight.

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