unbelievable

houselights

I smell like milk and adrenaline, equal parts baby and traumatic stress. I’ve been coasting on autopilot for over a month, faking it all with aplomb. I’ve been so busy learning everything I can about missing tibia bones and holes in the heart and being hyper-aware of every aspect of him (is there something else wrong?), I haven’t really had time to just be. The last several weeks are catching up with me, I think.  No wonder I’m suddenly exhausted.

November was so dramatic, and I felt so out-of-body and numb, I kept saying it was like I was starring in an episode of the most emotionally manipulative medical drama on TV.  Planning a homebirth! Oh wait, baby is breech! With severe birth defects! Baby is expected to die! Induced hospital breech birth! Baby Lives! Baby has issues more rare than one in million! Handsome Neonatologist! Nurses swoon and keep reminding us he’s single! (true story.)

And if that wasn’t all enough, we finished the month off with a highwayside tire blow-out (and subsequent unplanned purchase of new tires for my beat-up jalopy of a car) and the surprising death of our dear old cat, Cozy. Just a couple of extra heart-tugging details no discerning viewer would ever believe. Come on, already. Enough is enough!

I was never so happy to flip the page on my calendar.

December will be about being here. I will forgive myself for worrying so hard, I will not jump ahead of myself, I will type with one hand while the baby sucks on the tip of my left pinky finger.

Please know how bolstered I’ve been by the comments, here and elsewhere. It encourages me to know this new baby of mine already has quite a support base. I like to think that so many people are pulling for him, for me, for our whole little family. I want to superimpose the kindness of the words you’ve written across the face of everyone I see, so that I can take him out in public fearlessly.

We even put lights up on the house this year. I personally don’t feel much holiday cheer yet. But we are trying. You have to know that we are really really trying.

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Categories: Uncategorized | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “unbelievable

  1. Deb @ Green V-Neck

    You are so obviously trying, more than most would in your position. I know you have heard it before but I’m going to say it again–it is NORMAL to feel what you’re feeling. I hope that you are able to see a counselor or therapist, hopefully the entire family, but especially you; not because you can’t do this (as if!) but because you should have outside support for if/when you crash. I can’t even imagine the emotional turbulence right now…I am in awe of your determination. And also Ulysses’ strength. That boy is going to be a fighter. XOXO.

  2. another lovely bit. hoping the horridness of November gives way to a little bit of peace.

    be. be present. be mindful. be with your sweet little boy. be with your family. be tender, be a bit snarky, be angry, but most of all be easy on yourself.

    and i do hope you can carry the kindness with you, everywhere you go. i hope it fills you up and brings you a bit of light when you need it most.

  3. Omy

    These words are really important: “December will be about being here. I will forgive myself for worrying so hard, I will not jump ahead of myself,”

    I am glad you are taking time to slow down and just be for a while. It’s been a crazy turbulent last month for you, and I hope you find some peace and calm in December.

    xo!

  4. Julie Anita

    I commented the other day, but I should add that I found you via the MDC forums– we’re in the same DDC. (I’m known as “MBA” over there.)

    I’m so glad you’re finding support from your blog audience. Any new mom can use it, and you have extra challenges to deal with. Know, at least, that I’ll be reading. ❤

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